Always!

It happens with me always, I plan do something and end up doing something else completely. I will go shopping, intending to buy may be a denim and will return with a cute little floral dress which I might have loved hanging somewhere in some random shop.

Today, being a relaxed Sunday I was up to do some searches needed for my papers and nothing more. The google search started really well on the Romantic age but soon I digressed and ended up bumping into this short poem on the internet. I thought it made a simple but yet a lovely read.

Look for yourself-

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First Impression.

First impression is the last impression.

How far do you agree to this?

As for my case, I don’t agree to it, absolutely not. If this were true then most probably every person I met would consider me to be- arrogant or shy or a fool or a person with a lot of attitude or better yet, all of the above.

The Talk of Safety!

Let’s talk a bit about safety. Shall we?

(Warning, I am going to digress from the topic, totally!!)

So today I was almost done with all my work and was about to return home early when my friend called and asked me to meet her at a coffee shop near her place. I thought why not? It was early as it is and didn’t have much to do either. So I went there, had a cup of coffee, we talked and in some time I decided to leave. It wasn’t late but I just wanted to reach home before it started raining. We were sitting in the garden and I could see clouds getting darker with the time.

Just when I was leaving she reminded me to wear the helmet. Of course I forgot. How could I remember that? I just do not like wearing helmets, I feel as if I have overburdened my tiny head. So I wore my helmet and rode towards my home. It was just a fifteen minute ride.

After just two minutes I felt the strap choking my neck, it was too tight. I loosened it with one hand and rode on. After another two minutes it felt too loose so I stopped and tucked it tight again. I’d better choke than let it loose and keep the helmet coming down to my face. I don’t think there is any helmet made for my size of the head, or for a woman. They are all either too loose or too big! (Smaller ones and the perfect ones are really rare.)

I rode on for five more minutes in full speed, the roads were not too packed, and now I was in a hurry too. My phone was constantly ringing and I knew it was my mom. I hadn’t informed her that I’d be late.

Riding peacefully at a consistent speed, I was really enjoying the beauty on the roads. The part of city which I was leaving is really beautiful with trees on both sides shading the road.

I was about to reach the main road when I noticed two boys riding behind me in a bike, they were almost shouting and I could hear their voices, but could not make out what were they talking about. I wasn’t interested either. Only up till the point when I realised they were following me.

My initial instinct was to ride faster, so I took up the speed. I reached to main road circle and however hard I tried I had to slow down with the evening rush. They had taken all the same turns up till now, and I was hoping against all odds that they would divert ways now. This was the turning point; if they wouldn’t take another turn here then I would be sure that they were after all following me.

I gave no indicators, ignoring the traffic rule, and pretended to go straight. And then just when there was no other way to go, I took a sharp right turn and moved inside the area, switching off from the main road. They had pretended to go straight too but had followed my vehicle taking a right turn against the rules.

I was sure. They were following me after all.

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Speeding up wasn’t helpful, so I slowed down, hoping that they’d go away. That particular street was still busy; once I’d go inside the residential area I knew the streets would be would be isolated.

They slowed down too behind me.

I was frustrated, angry, scared all at the same time.

I moved on taking another right turn, taking me inside to the residential area. They came too close to my bike and I am pretty sure my face would have given away my inner feelings. What was I feeling? I was shit scared!

The next time they brought their bike beside me, I loosened my helmet and kept it handy on my left side, the side on which they kept nearing. By this time I had already moved past my home. I couldn’t let them know my residence. What if?

I was already way away, and the streets were getting isolated, and the sky was giving me signals that soon it would rain. It was almost dark now!
I had no option now. I did not know what to do? Where to go? My hands were shivering and making it difficult to ride. My palms were sweaty and tears were almost on their verge of flowing down.

I blinked hard. This was not the time to go weak.

“Shut up and think!”

With again an impulse decision, I slowed down my bike to almost 20kmph and pretended to take out my phone. This time I was the one shouting on the phone declaring my whereabouts to the constantly vibrating phone.

Just when I slowed down further, the main door of the house on the left opened and a man came out. I did not stop but I slowed down to a speed of 10, barely moving further. Of course if the boys behind me slowed down with me that would look fishy. So they maintained enough speed to go ahead of me.

Finally I breathed a sigh of relief. Just when they were at the end of the road, I gave my right indicator on making them feel that I would turn that way.

They turned right. Mission successful!!

I never drive past speed limit, of course I always follow the safety rules, but this was an exceptional case. Just when they noticed me taking up speed, they went further right, one boy constantly glaring behind, to keep track of my bike.

I took a sharp left turn, fortunately avoiding a Harley and increased my speed even further. They took a u turn too but very fortuitously a car came following from just where I took a turn making it difficult for them to follow me. But they still were after me, but thankfully very far away, almost at the far end of the road.

I took continuous three sharp lefts making it a circle to my home. But before I stopped I saw the reflecting mirror that they were not there, they had missed me. I zoomed the bike to the parking space, locked it and rushed to the elevator, the helmet still in my hand.

I was only relieved when I reached the inside of my house, still shivering.

“What happened?” my mom was all worked up just by my looks.

I broke safety laws.

“You never do that. What did you do?”

I broke three laws, mom. Not one. First, I did not give indicators, and when I gave I gave the wrong one. Second, I over sped. And third, I did not wear helmet.

“But you are carrying your helmet in your hand.”

Yes, mom. I just did not wear it.

“So did the police charge you?”

No, I saved myself.

That one thing.

Ever felt the importance of something- which is clearly not as important anyway! Still you feel like it is the most important thing in our life, the only thing that is going to be good, to be okay for you and you cling onto it so bad. You just can’t let go, not because you don’t want to but simply because you can’t. That one thing that you may have done right; that makes you forget almost all other wrongs. Is it not then that you realise that there is nothing much in your life, except for that one thing? What if even that goes away? Then I might be left with simply nothing!

I thing I am just rambling anyway, I should stop my babble right away.

Have a good day,

Much love.

 

Another foolish act!

So yesterday I was rambling about how I am an ultimate fool just for forgetting something, but today there is a new realisation about me. The fact that I am a fool doesn’t change but the reason does. Today I seem to be a fool only because I can’t forget things. Oh what an irony!

So what happened is I woke up with a tune in my mind. I mean I wasn’t listening to the song last night, it wasn’t playing anywhere in the morning, but when I woke up today, the first thought that came to my mind was that song. Which one? Bolna from Kapoor and sons.

And the song doesn’t just seem to go away. It was there with me in the bath, during the breakfast, on my way while driving, so much so that it was there in with me in the meeting too. I was humming the song silently while my client was saying something.

And it struck me then. What are you doing you fool? Stop singing!! It isn’t the place to sing.

And the song still didn’t go away. It keeps coming back, and the day isn’t over yet. I don’t know how many more blunders I am going to make today just for not forgetting the song!

 

Me- The ultimate fool.

On my birthday last month, my friend wished me good luck with such a heart-warming message and I the ultimate fool forgot his birthday. Well, I remembered, and I intended to call him up first thing in the morning, but then ‘the day’ happened and I forgot all about it. I just slipped. And the best part is I did not even remember this until 11:30 in the night. And then I grabbed my phone can called him instantly, simply apologizing. He did not mind, he said that he had been waiting for my call and had noticed that I hadn’t wished him yet. But still it was okay! So we had a good talk for a while and then we put off but I still did not like the fact that I forgot talking to him. While he on the other hand made it a point to call me at midnight, wrote me such a sweet text/poem. And what did I do? I forgot. Simple!

So I thought I’ll write him a poem or something, but then I realised that I don’t know what to write. What a shame!

So all I can say to him now is something like this,

Dear Yadu,

You are more capable than you think. And there is only one thing that I am waiting for you to do, write a book! You don’t give yourself enough credit for it, but you deserve every bit of it. You can really write a book which will be worth it, no matter what language you write in.

So may be very soon, eh?

I attach here the message he wrote me, and you can decide for yourself if he is capable or not. (Also I did a little translation in English which I am really not proud of. And I also know this is going to annoy him. He doesn’t like translations.)

Ek unsuljhi paheli, ek khamosh si kahani, ek mushqil sa sawal

Ye sab thi tum, aur shayad abhi bhi ho kisi k liye

Lekin jab jana to laga ye sab nahi ho tum,

Sirf ek acchi dost ho mere liye

Ek paheli nahi, paheliyo ka rasta ho tum

Khamosh kahani nahi ek bolti kitab ho tum,

Mushkil sawal nahi, un sawalo ka jawab ho tum

Beshaq alag ho tum, auro se bilkul alag,

Tabhi to shayad hazaroo ki bheed me tumhe pehchanna asan tha.

*

An unsolved puzzle, a silent story, a difficult question,

You were all of these things to me,

May be you are still one of these things for someone else, but not me.

Now when I know you, you aren’t any of these things to me.

You are only a true friend for me.

You are not an unsolved puzzle, but the answers to all the puzzles.

Not a silent story, but you are a book with your own life story,

You are not a difficult question, but you are the answers to all the questions.

Of course you are totally different from others,

That is why may be it was way too easy for me to find you among the crowd of 1000s.

Wasted Sunday.

  • Woke up at 10 AM and still did not wish to wake up.
  • Skipped breakfast, but compensated with two cups of coffee.
  • What I exactly did till noon, even I can’t fathom.
  • Had lunch, and just after lunch, I had the strong urge to go back to sleep again.
  • Resisting everything, I tried to focus and study!
  • Nope, not my day.
  • My stomach started to ache acutely again, shutting down the left over wish to study.
  • I switched on the TV, watched a whole movie. What was it? ‘Our brand is crisis.’
  • In the evening I tried getting out of my bed, but the pain was throbbing and I had no intention of even going out of my room.
  • A novel saved me.
  • I had an early dinner, followed by a huge tub of ice cream. Really spoiling myself.
  • Half tub of ice cream was accompanied by another movie. Which one? ‘Runway bride’
  • Movie and a slow eater of that almost milk shake kind of ice cream made it till I don’t know what time.
  • Again the urge to sleep. But it wasn’t late enough.
  • So I kept myself busy with the novel again. As always, it worked.
  • Late in the night, I was about to turn off but then the phone kept buzzing.
  • All kinds of people texting me simultaneously. Where were they the whole day? When ‘I’ was bored?
  • I reply for a few minutes trying to make it short, but the conversation gets interesting with a couple of people, and I continue.
  • It’s 1 AM now and it’s really time to sleep. I wish them good night, and then go off to bed, finally!
  • Oh, I don’t even feel guilty. Should I? I think, I should but the thing is I don’t.
  • So there, that’s how I wasted my Sunday.

That Evening

 

I was running on an empty lane outside my house, without any shoes, without a dupatta at 7:30 in the evening. My salwar being stained by the puddles caused due to heavy rain an hour ago. My kurta too was a bit torn around my high collared neck design. My hands were stained of turmeric and flour, which I had used to wipe my forehead twice. Blood was dripping from the cut on my cheek, neck and hand. And to top it all I was getting cuts on my legs too. My hair was not made properly and I had nothing with myself, not a penny nor a phone, only a hope and energy to run to my husband’s shop. My condition was such that I would not mind if someone would interpret me as a beggar.

The dark night and the empty lane did not scare me that day. It was too late for any woman to saunter around alone as expected by our esteemed husbands. However that day I was least bothered about anything except me. So I got myself a place to sit for a while and relax. I sat on a huge stone beside a locked house, the only safe place where no one would bother me for a while.

As soon as I sat my thoughts went back seven years ago, to the day I got married to my prince charming who was exactly the opposite to what I had thought in my dream, tall (just three inches than me), dark (actually too dark for me) and handsome (fairly less than me, even a bit bald). He was eight years older to me and I ignored even this. I am not boasting of myself but actually telling you the truth. I was never forced for this marriage but I knew how my parents worried about me not getting married till the age of 24. I bargained with his looks in the hope that everything else would turn to be perfect. And in actuality it was too perfect for the first two years.

I loved my husband, mother in law, father in law, two sisters in law and my dear brother in law (my favourite among everyone). We were almost of the same age so we used to jell up best. We used to bully each other, crack jokes on each other, spend time gossiping, he even took me outside when my husband did not have time for me even on Sundays. They all cared for me, loved me, and had no issues with me. How perfect my life was with them. It was just a blessing. I used to think that all the compromises, a sacrifice of leaving my house, parents, two brothers, three sisters and even my carrier proved fruitful. The happiness, the romance that filled my life was worth it.

But things changed after we got separated from our extra large family to form a smaller joint family. We left the place of my mother in law’s mother in law, her sisters and brother in law and moved to another apartment with my parent in laws, husband and my dear brother in law. By that time both my sisters in laws were married. Even our financial status deteriorated and perhaps that was the cause of frustration among everyone in our house.

Frustration reminds me that at present hour I was frustrated. I needed to start running again and isolate the place.

I then turned towards main road, extremely lighted for me to bear, too crowded for me to walk, either run and even too decorated where as I was in a condition too tattered. To inform you, in my place it is not less than a shock to see a woman without proper dress  (in my case a missing dupatta) to be called a whore in front of everyone.

I turned around to see a bike following me, when I just started running as an athlete who would run as if reaching just too near the finish line and see a competitor reaching behind. I complained to the traffic police that the bike is following me but he showed no reaction except amazement, as he knew both of us, me and my dear stalker.

In a positive hope that the traffic police would do nothing to save me I started running again towards my husband’s shop. On reaching the outside of the block of my husband’s shop, I turned to see if he was still following. Yes he was, but as I reached there he turned back giving me a murderer smile as if saying:

You are dead my dear, going to complain about me to your husband? Go, go! No one is going to believe you.

But you believe me that your being alive is difficult from now on. I promise that to you.

I entered the block and then to the basement, shop no 17, my husband’s shop. It was already 8 o’ clock and I was in such a beautiful condition that as everyone saw me they could not conceal their surprised looks. And as I said it was half past midnight for them and a missing dupatta made me look a whore to them and not a beggar.

I did not care for them now. What I cared for now was myself and my baby in my womb. But yes in this running I had forgot my pain. The pains of the cuts in my check, neck and legs, and the pain in my womb which was due to a kick by him (my bike stalker).

As I was standing outside the shop, my father in law came outside and took me into his arms and took me straight to our shop. My husband first completed attending to his customers as if nothing unusual had happened and then came to me. Till then I was painfully sobbing in my in law’s arms and was absolutely out of breath to say anything, only hoped that I was safe now. No one would beat me; kick me or even worst think of me as a whore.

I took a sip of water and recalled today’s evening at 7:15 in my house.

I was in the kitchen preparing the dough for chapattis and my mother in law was slicing onions. My niece who had come to visit me was watching television with my son. My brother in law came out of his room and without uttering a word switched off the television and showed both the children his anger in gestures. I must say my niece is quite daring and a bit too modern for our type of society. She took the remote, switched on the television and smiled cunningly saying:

Excuse me sir don’t you have that much courtesy to ask us before switching off the television

As we were watching that. Even we have that much common sense.

My brother in law wiped his hand ruthlessly across the centre table, too hard, which broke the flower vase on it and even cracked a part of it. listening to the sound we came outside the kitchen, at first unable to fathom what had happened, and even before we could do that my dear brother in law came almost running towards us, held my neck by his left hand, snatched the knife from my mother in law, put it under my chin and almost cut it. He then kicked me on my stomach. My mother in law tried to stop him but in vain. Seeing the children screaming and crying, he got a bit diverted.

I took the opportunity, pushed him hard enough to remove him till a distance from me, to run before he could get onto them. I took the children to my room and asked for a promise that they would not open the door till I would ask them to. As I came out of the room they locked it from inside.

Without another thought I slipped through the back door and ran on the empty lane at 7:30.

By then I was completely exhausted telling my husband all this in his shop and only after completing my story did I fell unconscious and regained it after an hour, still in the shop.

After another hour passed we went home hiring an auto rick-shaw. The devil was in his room and I ran to my room, politely knocked on the door and asked the children to open the gate. I saw them still crying. My son was of course as I had known too emotional and he was expected in the same state. But I had never in my life seen my niece in such a condition. I took them in my arms, hugged them, and kissed them. Neither I nor the children ate anything that day. We locked ourselves in the room and kept close to each other for the next two days. I knew that evening had changed everything in my life.

Regaining courage I asked my husband to book the first tickets he could get and leave my niece with her parent in the town. Eventually she came out of the scary event after a month, my son after about three months but I was never allowed to come out of it. Because that was just the first time the attempt to murder was attempted on me. From then on I faced regular attempts to murder, harassment, molestation, as well as physical torture of being beaten up by my dear brother in law, for years.

Only until, finally my husband had the courage to separate our houses which was not very soon. They still work together, in the same shop but at least I don’t have to see him.

PS: I know the woman was wrong to still live with such people, to go through such trauma. But before you start judging why the woman still lived with such people, why did she not leave them? For once can we think about how ruthless and unacceptable the men’s behaviour was? Even the husband did not do much to in favour of his wife.

Today’s Realization

Always being referred to as the ultimate ‘neat freak’, or ‘the Monica’ from the famous TV show F.R.I.E.N.D.S; my friend remained speechless when she entered my room today.

Regaining composure she mouthed, “What have you become?”

That’s when realisation struck me, that is when I gathered that the past few days had been really trying and I had been all messed up.

I simply laughed in response, grabbed my purse and lead her out to the main door.

Peeking a look behind, I made sure, that today, I will clean that unwanted disarray.  Today, when I return home, the bed will be made, the books will be stacked exactly how they should be, and the study table will have no sheets simply lying around under the fake paper weights as mobile chargers, pen drives, so much so as even my phone back cover. The most important task, even the laundry will be done, there can be no extra clothes just hanging around in my room.

I will be back to my being normal today, though for my friend, I will always be the ‘abnormal neat freak’.