Being possessive

“I may seem sweet and nice but if you borrow my book and forget to return it, I will break a level of crazy that will make your nightmare seem like a happy place.”

 

Nothing that I wrote, but seems apt though.

 

It’s only sad that my friend who took my book would not read this. 😂😇

WordPress World.

People just drift away, don’t they?

I took refuge in the world of writing and blogging, thinking that everything will be different here. And yes, it was! I have loved here always.

But just like the real world, I have lost some of the virtual friends too. When I started blogging, I did not know anyone here, and there were few people who would be always here for me, would read my posts, let me know how they feel about it. I loved reading their blogs too. But where are they?

They seem to have just vanished. I keep visiting their blogs- no recent posts! I fill up a comment on the “Contact us” page, but there is no reply. I guess they have just stopped blogging.

Then there are people who just vanish away, because of the wordpress glitches, I though they had gone away too, until of course I open my spam folder only to know they have been always there. Seriously, what is up with this spam thing?

So before I find anyone else missing from this virtual world, I’d just want to say thank you for always listening to my ramblings. You do mean a lot to me whether I say it or not!

And also please keep checking your spam folders! (Just in case!)

 

A tragicomedy: a play in 12 days.

“To (be able to) laugh at our misery is the only way we have found of coming to terms with it.”

 

Day 1:

Hey, so when are you planning to come?

What for?

Dude, I am getting engaged! We are having a grand party here. You have to be here. Don’t give me any reasons.

I know and I will be there, just send me the dates, and I’ll let you know how can I arrange things. I wouldn’t want to miss it for anything.

Day 2:

I will reach right before the day of your engagement. This is all I could do in such short notice. My work is all jammed up and any day before that would be really difficult. (And expensive)

Okay, no problem! All that matters is you’d be here on that day. You are my only girl, babe!

Day 3:

Since I am going so far I might as well visit my brother. He has just gone to this new city, and a surprise wouldn’t harm anyone. I think he’d be glad.

Day 4:

The stay extends up to a week long, making me return after Raksha Bandhan. What best gift for my brother than a surprise visit on this day?

Day 5:

Buying of gifts for this pretty “bride to be” and my brother.

Day 6:

Trying to finish all the work, literally all the work that could not wait for a week, and also everything that couldn’t be done by anyone else instead of me! And believe me the list went on.

Day 7:

A little bit of shopping for myself.  I wouldn’t want to look like someone not invited to that grand celebration of that lovely couple.

Day 8:

The rain persists.

Day 9:

Doubt of plans.

Day 10:

I am sorry darling; I don’t think I can make it on time. There is water everywhere. The streets are flooded, roads are jammed, there is barely any movement. The officials have warned everyone around not to get out of the house unless very urgent. The airport is almost submerged, and even if the flight takes off there are pretty chances that they’d land me on some other city altogether, if the situation worsens. I don’t think I can manage so much hassle now. It is really difficult to travel so far now.

Why do you stay so far?

I know, I understand but this is clearly not in my hands, it is an act of god. (Pleading my case as if in a court.)

I don’t know you have to be here. You always have reasons.

When have I last made a reason?

I don’t know, you have to be here.

I wish I knew how to swim, I would then surely be there. (I risked a joke.)

Okay, you don’t want to come, don’t come then, even I won’t attend your engagement.

Seriously, I wish I could come; it’s really not in my hands. After such disastrous delayed flights even my parents wouldn’t want me to travel. I am sending you the picture of airport, tell me if you still want me to come.

IMG_1639IMG_1638

Okay, I got to go now; I am getting a call from ‘him’.

Okay, take care babe; I am really sorry that I am not able to come. (Oh God, what about the money that I wasted on booking tickets and now cancelling it?)

Day 11:

Back to work, which I think I completed in advance. (Oh wow, for the first time running ahead of the deadline.)

Day 12:

Writing this and trying to get her to receive my call!

*

My brother being the only one who did not know what was to happen, and what never happened! (Saved, I guess from all the extra drama!)

My story: Of how I started writing!

A few years back, back in 2010-2011 around, I wasn’t this person that I am today. I was scared of everything, I was may be the most immature person you would have ever met, and may be, even the most depressed one. No one could tell then, not even my friends and family members. I had that talent in me, of hiding things, of hiding feelings. Come to think of it, I still have that talent, but I can safely say that I am not that person now, not anymore. I have moved out of that zone, for my own good.

It took me three years? Yes, I am that slow. I spent three years of my life crying and being helpless. I know you’d say, I should have known that no one is going to come and help me. I had to help myself. But I was lost then, and that’s what lost people do, they sulk. I am not saying my life stopped for those four years or so, it moved on very well. I went to school, I completed graduation, I did everything that most people my age did, but something was missing constantly.

I am sorry I am not going to mention what exactly happened, but I can mention three pointers,

A personal trauma relating family issues;

A social change,

And, being thrown into the ocean, when I did not know how to swim. (Metaphorically of course)

Anyways, my life moved on, yes it did, but I did not. I was in complete denial of what was happening. All at once.

Why did I not talk to anyone?

You think, I wouldn’t have? I did, but parents had raised a ‘strong woman’ who wouldn’t need her parents’ help every now and then, and my friend’s, well, they never seem to get me. Partying is more fun, I agree. It was not their fault. Whenever I would sit and want to talk to any one of them about my problems, it seemed they weren’t interested or at least they didn’t get me. And how would they, they weren’t in my position. Instead they felt that I kept repeating my problems, so I just stopped talking, stopped talking about my problems to them, and eventually I just stopped talking to them.

And then I lost all my friends too. I was in no way going to make new friends; I had lost faith in them.

I said them? Oh, sorry, I had lost faith in myself.

So that went on for about some time, and then I realised that my thoughts, my feelings were eating me. I couldn’t contain anything else inside of me now. I had to hold my fist tight, clench my jaws, breathe hard inside, to not to let out anything. And I could not let out anything, believe me, I just could not.

And even if I did, who would take that all in? Who would want to be surrounded by a depressed teen?

And that’s when I realised I had to do something, that’s when I borrowed comfort from a pen, loaned some security from the blank papers, fought for sanity from my own words, from my own feelings.

I am not saying it happened overnight, I am blatantly saying it might have taken me half my youth, but I did it. I came over it. I managed to conquer the harsh feelings my heart bore and I came out the person I am today, the Moushmi you all know.

That’s my story, that’s how I started writing, though blogging is what I started just a few months back. I would love to listen to your views, or better yet, how you started writing? What made you the writer you are today?

 

Know the blogger #5

  1. What are 3 things you want to accomplish before you die?

Become an author and to find one man, who isn’t like the ones that I have seen.

I’d be happy with that. Even if I just find him!

 

  1. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self?

Stop wanting to grow up, it ain’t any good here.

 

  1. What’s the best thing you got from your parents?

The freedom to rise up, to voice up, to stand up for yourself.

They have given me the right that no one even in my distant family has.

 

  1. What’s the best thing about you?

You could tell me that. I’d be waiting for the answer on your comments below 😉

 

  1. What blows your mind?

You mean like really good way? When I see those dancers on television, they twist and turn so easily, like how the hell do you train your body like that?

 

You mean like angry way? When women in India have to think will she be “allowed” to do something?

 

  1. Have you ever saved someone’s life?

No.

But I did save someone from getting married too early, if that counts. She was a friend of mine and we both went together for our post-graduation.  Her dad wanted her to get married and wouldn’t let her study further. When I came in the scene, he did give it a thought and agree to “let her” go out of the town. She was happy after that, at least what I saw of it.

 

 

  1. What are you really good at but embarrassed to be good at?

If I am good at it, I am not going to be embarrassed about it.

 

  1. What would a mirror opposite of you look like?

A strong, beautiful adamant woman staring at her. Determined to conquer everything she wants.

I did a post sometimes back relating to it. (Challenge accepted.)

 

  1. What are 3 interesting facts about you?

I am not that interesting. But one thing is for sure, if that’s even interesting, if you meet me and talk to me once, you’d never understand me. You’d only think I am some confused, lost woman.

 

  1. Which of your scars has the best story behind it?

I could go on this for so long, let’s just say I try going past it.

 

  1. What’s the title of the current chapter in your life?

Harassed

 

  1. What were some of the biggest turning points in your life?

When I was 17.

 

  1. What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned?

No one stands with you when you are in some problem. Your problems, you solve it.

 

  1. What do people think is weird about you?

Even my closes friends say, “I can’t understand her.”

 

  1. What mistake do you keep making?

Trusting people.

 

  1. What have you created that you’re most proud of?

I have a portrait of Lord Krishna and Radha in my room that I painted when I was in school, every one that visits my rooms seems to be thrilled by it. I don’t know if I am proud of it, it is just a paining after all but I like it too much.

 

  1. What do you doubt?

Don’t even let me start here, the list can go on. But as of now, I doubt myself sometimes.

 

  1. What are some of your morals?

I hate lying, but I do it just to keep someone smiling. I know I can be upfront and just blabber everything out but the drenched look on someone else’s face after that shatters me. So I do lie.

Not so much morally, right?

 

  1. What do you want to be remembered for?

Duh! For something, anything that I ever wrote. I’d be really happy if that ever happens.

 

  1. What do you regret not doing in your childhood years?

I don’t regret my childhood one bit!

 

  1. What is your favorite fragrance?

Jasminum sambac (Arabian jasmine)

Mogra flowers in Hindi.

It is a species of Jasmine.

 

 

  1. What do you think your last words will be?

I want it to be “OM”

 

  1. Who or what do you take for granted?

My mother.

 

  1. Why would you be annoying as a roommate?

I’d ask to have my roommate for that. She never pointed out anything.

But I guess, she’d say I used to go off to sleep when she used to blabber on late in the night, even when I’d tell her that I am tired.

Well, we used to laugh on it the next day and she would tell me her entire day’s story again in the morning over breakfast.

I do miss her a lot.

 

  1. What is something you’re insecure about?

My writing.

 

  1. What’s the best & worst piece of advice you’ve received?

My mother- “Do not care about people, they will judge you, they will point at you. So just ignore them.”

 

Someone I ignore- “You are a girl, what are you going to do with so much of education?”

It made me so furious that I just stopped talking to the person despite everything. And you know what, that person is not even some old guy from other generation. He was someone my age!

 

  1. What irrational fears do you have?

That I am going to end up marrying someone and regret it for the rest of my life. I have had dreams relating it and have woken up all sweaty, only to realise I am still single. (This is the only secret that I have never told anyone in my life) so ssshhhhhhh

  1. What makes a good life?

A happy life is a myth. We all will go through a lot in the course of our lives, I’d consider it a good life if I achieve some of my goals by then and if I make a satisfactory example for someone else too.

 

  1. What’s the last adventure you went on?

Really long, long ago. Just caught up in work these days.

But I did go on a trip which sure was fun.

 

  1. What is the most memorable gift you’ve received?

I don’t receive gifts often, I buy stuff for myself when and whatever I want. Why wait for anyone else to gift you something on some occasion. Honestly I don’t even wait for any occasion.

But on my last birthday my dad made me speechless by gifting me a pair of diamond earrings, the type of which I was searching for so long among the imitation category.

I will cherish them for my entire life.

And not to forget the recent flowing sets of books that I received last week for my birthday 😀

 

*

 

I hope you enjoyed reading my answers.

Do let me know what you think about them.

If anyone would like to answer these questions too, please let me know. I will forward you the questions in your mail and would love to know how you would answer them.

The set made me thinking; may be you too would have a great time answering them.

 

 

 

Know the blogger #4

  1. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major?

I was just like the people we hate, the judgmental. I stopped it when I realised how wrong I was. It isn’t fair to judge people without knowing their story. I was told that I am such a sad and lonely person, when the other person did not even really know me, my circumstances. I realised it then and I just somehow, brought myself to stop randomly judging people.

 

 

  1. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

When someone says that I wrote beautifully only I never know that if the compliment was true, or just for the sake of saying it. (I am sorry for saying this to all my lovely bloggers, it is not the lack of trust on you, it is because the lack of confidence in me)

 

  1. As the only human left on earth, what would you do?

If I had books, I’d survive for a while, but I’d be dead otherwise too.

 

  1. Who inspires you to be better?

I wrote a post about it some months ago, there has been never an inspiration. I have always struggled to make myself better, from not the example of others, but from their flaws. I mean if I find some “quality” that I don’t like in someone else, I know that, that has to be changed inside me too.

 

  1. What do you want your epitaph to be?

“I think therefore, I am”

 

  1. What haven’t you grown out of?

Soft toys!

 

  1. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in?

Surrounded by sports fan!

  1. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done that actually turned out pretty well?

I went to a city for my graduation for unsatisfactory reasons; like the reason was so dumb I cannot even bring myself to say it here. But it turned out pretty well.

 

  1. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about?

The days of my wedding planning, and how I met so, so many new people there almost every single day. At least as of now, I guess this would be it.

 

  1. What’s something you will never do again?

Go crazy after a guy. I don’t think that’s happening.

 

  1. How do you hope you’ll change as a person in the future?

I don’t know, but I want to better by each passing day.

 

  1. What keeps you up at night?

Overthinking. What else could it be?

 

  1. What’s the most surprising self-realization you’ve had?

That I am like the person that I never wanted to be.

Again, I did a post on it. “just like her”

 

  1. What is the most illegal thing you’ve ever done?

Oh how can I do something illegal, I am the good girl!

Drive without helmets on! That’s it.

 

  1. How do you get in the way of your own success?

My fear drives in.

 

  1. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?

They just see my face, I know that, not even afraid of. No one looks at the real me.

 

  1. What is your biggest regret?

I never tried making my passion into a profession.

 

  1. What do you look down on people for?

Hypocrisy.

 

  1. What bridges do you not regret burning?

I burn them down, eventually I do.

 

  1. What lie do you tell most often?

“I am okay.”

And “yes ma, I am going off to sleep.”

 

  1. What would be your spirit animal?

Never thought of it.

 

  1. What is the best & worst thing about getting older?

Best- you experience life.

Worst- you never get to go back and be the kid again.

 

  1. What are you most likely very wrong about?

“That all men are same.”

 

  1. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it?

I seriously don’t know.

 

  1. What’s happened that changed your view on the world?

I have seen domestic violence through my eyes when I was 7. It was not at my home (thankfully) but I lost faith in humanity that day and I never outgrew that incident.

 

  1. What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

That no one, no one except your close family cares for you.

 

  1. What is the most immature thing you do?

I cling on to the teddy in my room when I read or watch tv. (I think I shouldn’t have said that.)

  1. What are you famous for among your friends & family?

Studying literature and books frantically.

 

  1. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be?

It didn’t have any smell.

 

  1. What one responsibility do you wish you didn’t have?

To look up for everyone, to stand against every wrong, to be the stronger one in my family. Even we fall apart sometimes.

*
Please bear with me, tomorrow will be the last part of flaunting about me. :-!

A year older! A year wiser?

Yesterday, I turned a year older, or to say a year wiser?

Any which ways this specific day has always been overwhelming to me, not only in positive circumstances but otherwise too.

This day, I realise sometimes my importance in other’s life. I know how much they mean to me and I make it clear too, in some way or the other but I get to know my significance on this day. (There are a lot of other reasons other than wishing me for my birthday)

It’s not about wishing me a “happy birthday”, it is after all just my birthday. But it is about just remembering me. There were many people who did forget me, and did make me a little uncomfortable, made me wonder as to why was I losing people year after year.

I just realised yesterday that I always say that I am searching myself, but in that quest I am also losing people. That is the price I am paying.

Anyways, this post isn’t about them, it is about those lovely souls who made my day “magical”. 😉

And I could not believe my eyes when those warm wishes touched my heart. Yes, my friends and family did wish me, but there was an unexpected turn when wishes from the virtual world came pouring in.

First off, dear Elizabeth, thanks a lot for your warm wishes here, the messages and the tweets, it did mean a lot to me. You basically wished me at every possible virtual place, not to forget your virtual hug and that LOUD singing of the birthday song. Your voice isn’t that bad, you know.

Then there were unexpected tweets from fellow bloggers kalyan and shivam. Thank you both of you for those lovely wishes.

Had it been a year before now, I wouldn’t have believed that I’d have virtual friends, that too such lovely people.

Apart from this, you know what I loved? Bhavna, a special friend of mine, she made me feel so special, I just love her a lot. And yes, one more thing, Mr. Yadu, he wrote me such a wonderful poem, I couldn’t believe my eyes, staring at that message. Thanks a ton for that too! I mean, a poem? For me? Oh my god!!

There were a lot of things that I could go on thanking for, but I don’t want to make it a thank you note. So I’ll stop here.

But I need to say one more thing, the thing that has made me even happier, the best thing that happened to me last week apart from the poem of course! So all week long, I kept getting packets from a courier company; and you know what it revealed? What it had hidden beneath?

Books! Novels!

What could just make it any better? It counted to a total of 16 books!!!!! The last package delivered to me yesterday, containing 7 books.

And I am just so happy now, what other gift could have been better for me?

So may be a little wiser after all.

Know the blogger #3

 

  1. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see?

A dance performance  at a state level competition. No one cared to come watch that performance. Even my mother who used to watch all my performances, she did not come with me. I realised that day, that taking it up professionally was out of the question at my home.

 

  1. How different was your life 1 year ago?

I was in Mumbai. And I loved it there. A busy life, with so much work, that I hardly bothered to think much.

 

  1. What quirks do you have?

I don’t think I have any.

 

  1. What would you rate 10/10?

Life!

 

  1. What fad or trend do you think should come back?

Honesty, ever wonder if being honest was in trend?

 

  1. What is the most interesting piece of art you’ve seen?

A lot many actually at houstonphotojourney.com by Elizabeth and Max, but most favourite recently was “The Colourful Wave” by Carol Simon.

 

  1. What kind of art do you enjoy most?

I am sorry, I can’t be specific here. But may be abstract.

 

  1. What do you hope never changes?

I know I’d be wanting something that’s never going to happen, so why hope for something like that. Change is inevitable..

 

  1. What city would you most like to live in?

Mumbai.

 

  1. What movie title best describes your life?

Tamasha.

 

  1. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now?

I just bumped into this work, had never even planned it.

 

  1. What’s the best way a person can spend their time?

Travelling and reading.

 

  1. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make?

A tree house?

 

  1. Where is the most relaxing place you’ve ever been?

Lonavla. Just to think of sitting near waterfall, near the cool atmosphere, the green hills.. Oh I thought I was already there!

 

  1. What’s the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you?

It’s when my brother was born, that’s the only day that I can’t forget.

 

  1. Where would you rather be from?

I did not quite understand this question. Away from a place or where would I want to belong? Any which ways, I am happy where I am.

 

  1. What are some things you’ve had to unlearn?

I have had to unlearn the basic norms taught to a girl in India. You ought to do this, and not that, dress like this and not that, you can do this, and not that….

Okay, even my life hasn’t been totally perfect, and I am not saying that I haven’t made adjustments as a girl, but I am trying and will keep trying to alter it as far as I can. But I have changed myself and unlearnt the basics girly norms taught to me as I was growing up. And believe me you don’t know how big a task this is! You think you know, but you don’t.

 

  1. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months?

Going out somewhere, like some place that I haven’t been to.

 

  1. What website do you visit most often?

Shopping websites. I live in a very small place where I hardly get good stuff, so I rest on these websites for any kind of shopping.

 

  1. What one thing do you really want but can’t afford?

A luxurious home. (You know the description:-p)

 

  1. Where do you usually go when you have free time?

A café, I carry a book, order a cup of coffee and just get lost in the fictional world. (Until of course someone bumps into me, which is really very often considering my city to be so small.)

 

  1. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

Any hill station or somewhere near the ocean. I guess you get the picture.

 

  1. What’s special about the place you grew up?

It has the amount of greenery you’d never have seen at a particular place. There is not a single road here which is not surrounded by trees. I can bet on that.

 

  1. What age do you want to live to?

I’d like my life to be short. My grandma is alive at 90+ and she is in so much pain, I’d definitely want to avoid anything near to that.

 

  1. What are you most likely to become famous for?

I don’t want to be famous, I’d just be happy if people would say that I did something with my life.

 

  1. What are you absolutely determined to do?

To change at least one person’s belief and their way of looking down on women. Even if I succeed in changing one conservative person’s mind towards women, I’d think I at least did something, even that little change will make me happy. Even if only one woman can be helped by such change, I’d be happy.

 

  1. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do?

Okay, so by now I think I am just praising myself here.

People have often said that when I dance I can play with my facial expressions, I can dance with my face, with my eyes, that’s what people say, and that I guess if it’s true then is the most impressive thing about me.

 

  1. What do you wish you knew more about?

About the mysteries involved in the past, there ought to be a lot more than we know.

 

  1. What question would you most like to know the answer to?

What is my future like?

 

  1. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person?

If I knew the answer to this, I am pretty sure I’d be a better judge of people.

Continue reading “Know the blogger #3”