“Oh, I am all good.”

It breaks my heart every time I see him and I still have no idea what to do about it. I thought he completely forgot me, I did not even existed for him but then he just comes in front of me and is gushing all his charm on me and I the instant fool, am all over his flaws.

‘Oh I am all good’ I say, but inside, my heart is piercing, shattering into pieces.

What do I do?

Run away?

But my heart never wants to.

So I stay and talk despite all the impossibilities.

“I am all good, how are you?” I really want to know. I want to know how has he been? How has life treated him? How is his work? Is everything okay at home? Above all, I want to know why, just why it took him so long to acknowledge my presence? I had been around for quite a time now but it didn’t seem to matter to him. I had a lot many questions but I kept shut, we smiled and talked about general stuff and after a while I say good bye. I knew, this time I had to say it first, I didn’t want to be left back again. I can tell from his ways that he has to go now, and I have to accept it.

“Good bye.” His smile went deeper into my heart.

It was easy for him to come and go and return after even declining my existence for so long.

But it wasn’t for me, just wasn’t for me.

 

Absence

She always slept on her side of the bed, it never occurred to her to apprehend the whole bed. How could she? It was his and will always be.

Lying on the bed she turned to his side smiling at the fluffed up pillow as if he was there with her. He always liked it fluffed. She remembered how he would crib if ever his pillow was not done. Smiling at the thought she caressed the silk sheets as if it was his stomach. He had always liked her tease tickling not to forget they were his favourite sheets. She had grown to love them. How could she not? They were beautiful, just like him.

A drop of tear rolled from her eyes and she wiped it off just in time when her husband came. He slept on the other corner leaving the mid bed empty. He touched her hands with all the warmth and love that he could muster despite the loss and smiled at her. She knew it wasn’t real he was faking smiles too.  But what else could they do? He would not come back. They knew it. He was just five years old and they had lost him forever. They both deemed themselves to be guilty of the mishap. But it wasn’t the truth. It was an accident and now all they could do was fight the time together.

His absence was killing them. Hand in hand they dozed off with dreams of a son they had a beautiful life with.

I plead, Guilty!

Meeting a very old friend is a special thing, even more when you don’t get enough time to spend with friends. I for that matter get very little time to do so and when I do I tend to make the most of it. Partying isn’t my type of fun; I can have fun and enjoy myself over just a cup of coffee. Talking matters to me, not dancing where I can’t even hear the person.

One of my friends was in town and I had barely made time to meet him, cancelling and cancelling again. Thankfully, he is one of my only friends who literally understand how working life works unlike the one we had back in school days. He didn’t mind all that much but I was guilty and I knew it. Somehow I made up time and made a random plan and that was it, we finally met after a long-long time and I had to say we had a gala time.

Well, I am not guilty for meeting him. It is something else that is haunting me. We were talking nonsense basically, about tomorrow, today and yesterday when suddenly he brought up a person in the conversation that I had not intended to. My friend here has no idea about my feelings towards that person and kept rambling on. And in the midst of those rambling I deciphered that this man has broken up with his dear girlfriend. And I am ashamed to say that for a second I felt elated. I don’t know why but I just felt so, and the moment I realised about my inner feelings I came back to reality and screamed at myself for being so selfish and senseless. I plead, I am guilty here. How can I be happy when something worse happens to someone, that someone being in my good books, for whom I would never want anything depressing to happen.

Okay I had nothing to do with that man in the past, we were just acquaintances, yet I wouldn’t relate it to a silly high school fling, for it affected me in a deep way then. Whatever it was it was in the past, and today in no way does it bother me or even concern me, but then why, even for a split second, did I feel happy at someone else’s misfortune?

PS: I just had to let everything out, I am sorry if it hasn’t been a worthy read. I just wrote it and posted it without any corrections. Please bear with me.

Perfectly Imperfect

Black or brown, it doesn’t matter, they were beautiful. I couldn’t make out the colour of her eyes but I know they were stunning, mesmerising, for sure, as I am still lost in that glimpse of her gaze. They seemed innocent, yet they had a story. What did they want to say? What was she hiding?

Her eyes were big, bold and yet they seemed shy and diffident. What was wrong? I did not know, though I wanted to. She had looked at me with those mysterious eyes and had left me dazed. The look was striking with the arched eyebrows raised high above on her forehead. Was she confused or rather questioning?

I am pretty sure she could have scared off anyone with those deep eyes; well she could have startled herself too with those meaningful eyes.

They weren’t perfect, neither the eyes nor the eyebrows but they were beautiful to me, perfectly imperfect, just for me.

PS: A fiction.

What made you stay?

Time just flies, doesn’t it?

Every time I look back to my younger days, I just realise how stupid I was to make a fool of myself every time everywhere. It has been a very trying experience, exhausting at times but also very stimulating journey for me. Gradually I have evolved into the woman that I am today and it just doesn’t take a second for someone to question me ‘Why am I so, today?’

That is not what bothers me and I accept that I am still in the process of learning and evolving. I should admit I had been once a very lonesome person, always in her own world, not much have changed about it today too but some improvement has been made and I try harder every single day to include people in my life. So I wonder what made few people in my life to stay despite the person I was back then?

I have not been in barest contact with my old pals, some of them who really meant a lot to me in my life and I tried time and again to maintain a relationship that I wanted and which we shared but it did not happen. I have lost almost every single one of them. But then what made the two of the loveliest souls stay back?

Why did they stay and not move away like the rest, I had never put in extra effort for them, it was all equal and yet the two of them stayed. They did and they are still a part of my life and a very important one at that. I can never put into words what they mean to me, my limits of vocabulary fail me here but they are the pillars of my life, the orientation of who I am today.

“I have changed”, yeah I have heard that criticism a lot often but these people have never complained and they have been there always. Thank you! I know it isn’t sufficient and never will be, but what else can a selfish person like me say?

For: Yamini Adeshara, Vishal Mehta

 

Questions, Questions!

  • When exactly is someone ready?
  • Is head over heels really a thing?
  • Just how many before the one?
  • How do you know it’s him?
  • What if you think you are done with all the hassle but one last try could give you what you wanted all along?
  • what if you try, and fail all over again?
  • can we not learn after the first heart break?
  • how do even sometimes explain what you think, what you have in mind?
  • how do even words justify to your feelings?
  • Just how?

You might not have the answer to them, but Just have a good laugh over my continuous unending ramblings.

Have a good day. 🙂

 

Why?

I stood there stumped, knowing not what to do, I had no idea what was happening, what was all the fuss about? The people around me were exhilarated, but why? I was at a party or a gathering, but why? Everything seemed chic and elegant, people sipping red wine, women bothered with their dresses, men seemed to be discussing on serious issues and in the end was an elevated stage, and someone was announcing my name. Oh! my name but why?

I stood there defining myself in the dark crimson evening gown holding onto my clutch and the phone, trying not to smudge my make-up. But as usual I embarrassed myself in front of everyone as the tears trolled down my kohl outlined eyes. I started walking towards the stage, took just a step ahead when someone blocked my way. A woman, she was holding a book in hand and as I look bewildered she thrust it towards me and also gave me a pen, but why?

I heard my name being announced yet again. I smiled and walked with tears in my eyes, trying to stop them, but why?

The woman stopped me again, an asked me to sign the book, but why? I saw the book and I couldn’t just contain myself. I lost all control. I cried and laughed, all at the same time. The book cover had my name on it and I just needed to sit down to get control of myself, but why?

With shivering hands I signed the book and the moment I returned it, I woke up; but why?

Why did I have to wake up?

PC: Pinterest

 

 

That relationship!

These days we have various relationships, you have someone specifically for going shopping, someone special with whom you go buying books, someone with whom you go on dinners, and someone with whom you can talk on and on…

I don’t know much about emailing friends and writing letters having done it scarcely but all I can say about this is I feel immensely exultant when I have someone whom I can talk to in writing. I cannot say for others but I have some friends with whom I might not have met often, with whom I never shopped, neither went on dinners but when we ‘talk’ it is absolutely different, it is almost like no one else can understand you.

These very few and precious friends of mine obviously do get sometimes frustrated with my callous ignorance but they are always there. We might not even call each other; just texting would suffice where we would pour our hearts out. (It is almost like ‘You’ve got mail!)

You know, texting may sound weird, but when someone truly loves you they don’t just say ‘k’ or ‘cool’ they just ramble on and honestly I love these people who know I won’t be able to express myself unless in writing and who would take out their time and literally ‘type’ out long messages for you.  It is like they care for you and not for the fact that they you don’t have much time to go out with them since you are long apart.

It is totally different from other relationships, without any expectations apart from the fact that they’d listen to you and it is purely precious. Otherwise where do you get such people these days, who’d listen to you and your unending pathetic feelings instead of going out in a club and shutting out your voices beneath the loud music?

PC: Google