Always!

It happens with me always, I plan do something and end up doing something else completely. I will go shopping, intending to buy may be a denim and will return with a cute little floral dress which I might have loved hanging somewhere in some random shop.

Today, being a relaxed Sunday I was up to do some searches needed for my papers and nothing more. The google search started really well on the Romantic age but soon I digressed and ended up bumping into this short poem on the internet. I thought it made a simple but yet a lovely read.

Look for yourself-

always.jpg

An imaginary essay

A tribute

To the pearl of our family

My grandfather…

My grandfather has had a great influence on me. Ever since I was born I have always been influenced by him, his actions, and his way of dealing with life. Though we have been together for a very short period of time we have shared great moments which can never be forgotten.

My grandfather was a great man. Despite being a common man he was no less than a saintly person. He had a very pure and a helpful heart. He belonged to an extremely poor family from a very small village called ‘Chakuliya’. In his days education was not so common but still he had managed to do P.H.D in Sanskrit. He wanted to become a Sanskrit professor but luck did not favour him. In spite of his so called degree he did not get any job and thus having no option he decided to continue his father’s business. This was just the first sacrifice he made for his family because after this followed a chain of sacrifices. I wonder how despite these facts he was happy at heart. He never regretted for what he did, rather he always thought about others first and then for himself. And this was the reason why my grand father has always been a special person in my life.

He had an appealing personality. He was loved by all. He was no different from any of our grand fathers. He too was very old, had long beard, very huge but a well maintained and strong body. He had a very happy-go-lucky nature and this was probably the cause for his being loved by everyone. He was a role model for many people. He could easily solve anyone’s problem and was himself a winner in his life.

He had sacrificed for his parents, for his children, and even his grandchildren. He always loved us and cared for us. He took his family business to great heights and had done everything on his own capabilities. Despite seeing numerous twists and turns in life he had proved himself as a strong man and even challenged life.

My grandfather had a very good and close relation with me. Being the only daughter in his family I was loved by him a lot. He pampered me and in return I loved him the most. We shared a special bonding, a bonding which I shared with no one else ever in my life and will never do. We passed most of the time together. Till I was sent to the nursery school he looked after me the whole day. I used to share everything with him- what I did in my school, what was I taught, my interests, and what I wanted to do further. And so on and so forth. My cute meaningless talks never ended but he enjoyed even those conversations. He helped me in my studies and always protected me from my mother when I did anything wrong.

Apart from this he gave me lessons regarding life. He taught me small manners, etiquettes, and the ways of behaving formally and informally. He never scolded me but he always explained to me why I should not do something. He had the biggest hand in building my personality. He was the only one who could understand me well.

It was then, when I was in class 2, he was suffering from throat cancer. His case was critical and the cancer was in its last stage. I was absolutely unaware about this. Even in this situation he never showed his tension, worries and problems to anyone. He still thought about others and their happiness. He behaved in a manner as if nothing had happened. At that time he heard the news that his youngest son had met with an accident and he needed blood. I should say he really was a great man, for even in his last days he did not lose hope when everyone else had. He did whatever he could for my uncle.

The last thing he wanted to do was to donate his own blood to my uncle. B- was short in the blood banks of our city and none of our relatives were B- except the pearl among pearls ‘My Grandfather’. He was a cancer patient and thus he could not donate his own blood. He was just unable to bear this fact. He felt helpless, paralysed and yet he did not lose it. I am really proud to be HIS grand daughter, really he was a man to be remembered for what he did in the past and what he did next. He brought innumerable poor people, got their blood tests, and those who were B- were paid a huge amount for donating their blood to my uncle. Wasn’t that just great? Yes it was. But great people do die and he too died in a month giving our uncle a new life.

Heartbroken we were and depressed I was to lose the best pearl, the strongest pillar of our family. He has imprinted his memories on us with such an ink which is just impossible to erase.

He had left some letters for me teaching me principles of life and giving me pieces of advice. I love him a lot and I miss him a lot. I even follow his footsteps. Whenever I am in a problem I place myself in his place and think what he would do if he would have been in the same situation. He has always been my inspiration and will always be. I miss his small and cute gifts, chocolates, beatings, thrashings and scolding. Even today I read those letters very often but have firmly decided to follow him throughout my life.

Days have passed like years but I have remembered them with silent tears.

PS: I called it imaginary because I don’t remember much of it. All of this is what I kept listening form my family members, which I poured out in words when I was a teen. And I could only wish I had the chance of living it once more, just to cherish those moments.

The Special Bond

 

The bond that we share

Is really very special,

It is the warmth, the love, the care,

That exceeds all level.

 

Your unshared, unconditional love

Has still, never been enough,

The humane wish of always wanting more,

Has left me without you; hollow to the core.

 

I replay in my mind

The unintentional, inconsequential fights.

I laugh aloud,

With tears in my eyes.

 

Do you remember the reason of our squabbles?

I, for one can remember no such troubles.

All the memories that rushes through,

Pictures our happiness true.

 

Sweet savourings shared together,

Has not reached me this un-fateful year.

Would you have missed me today?

What a wrong question I have come to say.

 

It isn’t just sad

That this Rakhi, I am not with you,

Don’t get mad,

But I am still happy for you.

 

We have never settled

Not on a single thing,

But the love inclines,

That keeps us always stringed.
This may be a new endeavor

But my dear, always remember,

The bond that we share,

Is really very special,

It is the warmth, the love, the care,

That exceeds all level.

*

A little something for my precious brother who is not with me on this special occasion of ‘Raksha Bandhan’

I don’t say it, and I won’t say it, but you must know, that I do love you.

Incompleteness in absence

Today, I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists….

When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves.

We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost.

That is what I imagine love to be:

Incompleteness in absence.

-Edmund de Goncourt

“Oh, I am all good.”

It breaks my heart every time I see him and I still have no idea what to do about it. I thought he completely forgot me, I did not even existed for him but then he just comes in front of me and is gushing all his charm on me and I the instant fool, am all over his flaws.

‘Oh I am all good’ I say, but inside, my heart is piercing, shattering into pieces.

What do I do?

Run away?

But my heart never wants to.

So I stay and talk despite all the impossibilities.

“I am all good, how are you?” I really want to know. I want to know how has he been? How has life treated him? How is his work? Is everything okay at home? Above all, I want to know why, just why it took him so long to acknowledge my presence? I had been around for quite a time now but it didn’t seem to matter to him. I had a lot many questions but I kept shut, we smiled and talked about general stuff and after a while I say good bye. I knew, this time I had to say it first, I didn’t want to be left back again. I can tell from his ways that he has to go now, and I have to accept it.

“Good bye.” His smile went deeper into my heart.

It was easy for him to come and go and return after even declining my existence for so long.

But it wasn’t for me, just wasn’t for me.

 

Absence

She always slept on her side of the bed, it never occurred to her to apprehend the whole bed. How could she? It was his and will always be.

Lying on the bed she turned to his side smiling at the fluffed up pillow as if he was there with her. He always liked it fluffed. She remembered how he would crib if ever his pillow was not done. Smiling at the thought she caressed the silk sheets as if it was his stomach. He had always liked her tease tickling not to forget they were his favourite sheets. She had grown to love them. How could she not? They were beautiful, just like him.

A drop of tear rolled from her eyes and she wiped it off just in time when her husband came. He slept on the other corner leaving the mid bed empty. He touched her hands with all the warmth and love that he could muster despite the loss and smiled at her. She knew it wasn’t real he was faking smiles too.  But what else could they do? He would not come back. They knew it. He was just five years old and they had lost him forever. They both deemed themselves to be guilty of the mishap. But it wasn’t the truth. It was an accident and now all they could do was fight the time together.

His absence was killing them. Hand in hand they dozed off with dreams of a son they had a beautiful life with.

I plead, Guilty!

Meeting a very old friend is a special thing, even more when you don’t get enough time to spend with friends. I for that matter get very little time to do so and when I do I tend to make the most of it. Partying isn’t my type of fun; I can have fun and enjoy myself over just a cup of coffee. Talking matters to me, not dancing where I can’t even hear the person.

One of my friends was in town and I had barely made time to meet him, cancelling and cancelling again. Thankfully, he is one of my only friends who literally understand how working life works unlike the one we had back in school days. He didn’t mind all that much but I was guilty and I knew it. Somehow I made up time and made a random plan and that was it, we finally met after a long-long time and I had to say we had a gala time.

Well, I am not guilty for meeting him. It is something else that is haunting me. We were talking nonsense basically, about tomorrow, today and yesterday when suddenly he brought up a person in the conversation that I had not intended to. My friend here has no idea about my feelings towards that person and kept rambling on. And in the midst of those rambling I deciphered that this man has broken up with his dear girlfriend. And I am ashamed to say that for a second I felt elated. I don’t know why but I just felt so, and the moment I realised about my inner feelings I came back to reality and screamed at myself for being so selfish and senseless. I plead, I am guilty here. How can I be happy when something worse happens to someone, that someone being in my good books, for whom I would never want anything depressing to happen.

Okay I had nothing to do with that man in the past, we were just acquaintances, yet I wouldn’t relate it to a silly high school fling, for it affected me in a deep way then. Whatever it was it was in the past, and today in no way does it bother me or even concern me, but then why, even for a split second, did I feel happy at someone else’s misfortune?

PS: I just had to let everything out, I am sorry if it hasn’t been a worthy read. I just wrote it and posted it without any corrections. Please bear with me.

Perfectly Imperfect

Black or brown, it doesn’t matter, they were beautiful. I couldn’t make out the colour of her eyes but I know they were stunning, mesmerising, for sure, as I am still lost in that glimpse of her gaze. They seemed innocent, yet they had a story. What did they want to say? What was she hiding?

Her eyes were big, bold and yet they seemed shy and diffident. What was wrong? I did not know, though I wanted to. She had looked at me with those mysterious eyes and had left me dazed. The look was striking with the arched eyebrows raised high above on her forehead. Was she confused or rather questioning?

I am pretty sure she could have scared off anyone with those deep eyes; well she could have startled herself too with those meaningful eyes.

They weren’t perfect, neither the eyes nor the eyebrows but they were beautiful to me, perfectly imperfect, just for me.

PS: A fiction.

What made you stay?

Time just flies, doesn’t it?

Every time I look back to my younger days, I just realise how stupid I was to make a fool of myself every time everywhere. It has been a very trying experience, exhausting at times but also very stimulating journey for me. Gradually I have evolved into the woman that I am today and it just doesn’t take a second for someone to question me ‘Why am I so, today?’

That is not what bothers me and I accept that I am still in the process of learning and evolving. I should admit I had been once a very lonesome person, always in her own world, not much have changed about it today too but some improvement has been made and I try harder every single day to include people in my life. So I wonder what made few people in my life to stay despite the person I was back then?

I have not been in barest contact with my old pals, some of them who really meant a lot to me in my life and I tried time and again to maintain a relationship that I wanted and which we shared but it did not happen. I have lost almost every single one of them. But then what made the two of the loveliest souls stay back?

Why did they stay and not move away like the rest, I had never put in extra effort for them, it was all equal and yet the two of them stayed. They did and they are still a part of my life and a very important one at that. I can never put into words what they mean to me, my limits of vocabulary fail me here but they are the pillars of my life, the orientation of who I am today.

“I have changed”, yeah I have heard that criticism a lot often but these people have never complained and they have been there always. Thank you! I know it isn’t sufficient and never will be, but what else can a selfish person like me say?

For: Yamini Adeshara, Vishal Mehta

 

Questions, Questions!

  • When exactly is someone ready?
  • Is head over heels really a thing?
  • Just how many before the one?
  • How do you know it’s him?
  • What if you think you are done with all the hassle but one last try could give you what you wanted all along?
  • what if you try, and fail all over again?
  • can we not learn after the first heart break?
  • how do even sometimes explain what you think, what you have in mind?
  • how do even words justify to your feelings?
  • Just how?

You might not have the answer to them, but Just have a good laugh over my continuous unending ramblings.

Have a good day. 🙂