Keeping Busy

No, I am not busy, I mean I am but not because I am busy, but only because I want to be busy.

Does this even make sense?

I hope so.

PS: In the extent of keeping myself busy to avoid things, i hardly know what am I exactly doing.

Anger Issues

There is a single question in my mind

To which my soul resides.

The question may have been artless

The answer to which for me is tactless.

 

Can anyone please tell me the truth?

How to deal with such anger disputes?

 

I still respect my beliefs: You do it or not!

I hate hose people who do not accept other’s views.

It’s okay if you want to be pessimistic, if you are of the belief that thinking negative all the while, makes you overjoyed when something good happens all of a sudden. It is okay. That is your way of living life; your beliefs, and I do not interfere with you. Okay, I do try and pull you out of that pessimistic zone, giving may be a lift to your mood, or a little positive thought, but I don’t just disagree with you. Do I?

Then why would you not just give my way of life a chance? I am not saying you follow them, may be just accept that I have a different way of thinking things.

Okay, even if you don’t want to do that, then in the least possible means, at least keep shut.

What gives you the right to take away my beliefs from me, my faith with such mean words?

*

I am sorry this may not a good post for reading but this is the least thing possible that my mind can rack through today.

 

Feeling of contentment

How often does it happen with you, that you wake up in the morning and feel guilty at something in your life, despite all the things you are doing?

For me it’s really often. I would wake up in the morning and just feel like questioning me “What the hell are you doing with your life?”

I mean yeah sure, I work, I study, I go about the day as usual, but what exactly am I doing?

May be the answer is in the question itself, but there for me is no sense.

So there are days, when I rack my brain with nothingness and with overburdening questions. And there are days where I just feel content. Sure, nothing changes overnight, but my feeling does.

Today I got up in the morning with an unnerving feeling of contentment. I call it ‘unnerving’ because I know, just when I start relaxing with the feeling, the sensation of guilt overpowers all my sanities.

So, before I lose this astounding emotion, I just wanted to write it down somewhere so that I do not forget, the gratified feeling of contentment.

There will be days of happiness

Days of sadness,

I need not worry because of them,

As it all shall pass.

A tragicomedy: a play in 12 days.

“To (be able to) laugh at our misery is the only way we have found of coming to terms with it.”

 

Day 1:

Hey, so when are you planning to come?

What for?

Dude, I am getting engaged! We are having a grand party here. You have to be here. Don’t give me any reasons.

I know and I will be there, just send me the dates, and I’ll let you know how can I arrange things. I wouldn’t want to miss it for anything.

Day 2:

I will reach right before the day of your engagement. This is all I could do in such short notice. My work is all jammed up and any day before that would be really difficult. (And expensive)

Okay, no problem! All that matters is you’d be here on that day. You are my only girl, babe!

Day 3:

Since I am going so far I might as well visit my brother. He has just gone to this new city, and a surprise wouldn’t harm anyone. I think he’d be glad.

Day 4:

The stay extends up to a week long, making me return after Raksha Bandhan. What best gift for my brother than a surprise visit on this day?

Day 5:

Buying of gifts for this pretty “bride to be” and my brother.

Day 6:

Trying to finish all the work, literally all the work that could not wait for a week, and also everything that couldn’t be done by anyone else instead of me! And believe me the list went on.

Day 7:

A little bit of shopping for myself.  I wouldn’t want to look like someone not invited to that grand celebration of that lovely couple.

Day 8:

The rain persists.

Day 9:

Doubt of plans.

Day 10:

I am sorry darling; I don’t think I can make it on time. There is water everywhere. The streets are flooded, roads are jammed, there is barely any movement. The officials have warned everyone around not to get out of the house unless very urgent. The airport is almost submerged, and even if the flight takes off there are pretty chances that they’d land me on some other city altogether, if the situation worsens. I don’t think I can manage so much hassle now. It is really difficult to travel so far now.

Why do you stay so far?

I know, I understand but this is clearly not in my hands, it is an act of god. (Pleading my case as if in a court.)

I don’t know you have to be here. You always have reasons.

When have I last made a reason?

I don’t know, you have to be here.

I wish I knew how to swim, I would then surely be there. (I risked a joke.)

Okay, you don’t want to come, don’t come then, even I won’t attend your engagement.

Seriously, I wish I could come; it’s really not in my hands. After such disastrous delayed flights even my parents wouldn’t want me to travel. I am sending you the picture of airport, tell me if you still want me to come.

IMG_1639IMG_1638

Okay, I got to go now; I am getting a call from ‘him’.

Okay, take care babe; I am really sorry that I am not able to come. (Oh God, what about the money that I wasted on booking tickets and now cancelling it?)

Day 11:

Back to work, which I think I completed in advance. (Oh wow, for the first time running ahead of the deadline.)

Day 12:

Writing this and trying to get her to receive my call!

*

My brother being the only one who did not know what was to happen, and what never happened! (Saved, I guess from all the extra drama!)

My story: Of how I started writing!

A few years back, back in 2010-2011 around, I wasn’t this person that I am today. I was scared of everything, I was may be the most immature person you would have ever met, and may be, even the most depressed one. No one could tell then, not even my friends and family members. I had that talent in me, of hiding things, of hiding feelings. Come to think of it, I still have that talent, but I can safely say that I am not that person now, not anymore. I have moved out of that zone, for my own good.

It took me three years? Yes, I am that slow. I spent three years of my life crying and being helpless. I know you’d say, I should have known that no one is going to come and help me. I had to help myself. But I was lost then, and that’s what lost people do, they sulk. I am not saying my life stopped for those four years or so, it moved on very well. I went to school, I completed graduation, I did everything that most people my age did, but something was missing constantly.

I am sorry I am not going to mention what exactly happened, but I can mention three pointers,

A personal trauma relating family issues;

A social change,

And, being thrown into the ocean, when I did not know how to swim. (Metaphorically of course)

Anyways, my life moved on, yes it did, but I did not. I was in complete denial of what was happening. All at once.

Why did I not talk to anyone?

You think, I wouldn’t have? I did, but parents had raised a ‘strong woman’ who wouldn’t need her parents’ help every now and then, and my friend’s, well, they never seem to get me. Partying is more fun, I agree. It was not their fault. Whenever I would sit and want to talk to any one of them about my problems, it seemed they weren’t interested or at least they didn’t get me. And how would they, they weren’t in my position. Instead they felt that I kept repeating my problems, so I just stopped talking, stopped talking about my problems to them, and eventually I just stopped talking to them.

And then I lost all my friends too. I was in no way going to make new friends; I had lost faith in them.

I said them? Oh, sorry, I had lost faith in myself.

So that went on for about some time, and then I realised that my thoughts, my feelings were eating me. I couldn’t contain anything else inside of me now. I had to hold my fist tight, clench my jaws, breathe hard inside, to not to let out anything. And I could not let out anything, believe me, I just could not.

And even if I did, who would take that all in? Who would want to be surrounded by a depressed teen?

And that’s when I realised I had to do something, that’s when I borrowed comfort from a pen, loaned some security from the blank papers, fought for sanity from my own words, from my own feelings.

I am not saying it happened overnight, I am blatantly saying it might have taken me half my youth, but I did it. I came over it. I managed to conquer the harsh feelings my heart bore and I came out the person I am today, the Moushmi you all know.

That’s my story, that’s how I started writing, though blogging is what I started just a few months back. I would love to listen to your views, or better yet, how you started writing? What made you the writer you are today?

 

Late night rains!

I lay on my back, the cool concrete floor lightly touching my body. I looked up at the sky smiling, but dark clouds loomed over me, hiding the shining moonlit night. The cool wind caressed my skin softly and just when my mouth cracked into a tight lipped smile, the first drop of rain water kissed my cheeks. I could see the faintest of stars shining in the sky, which was showering me with the cool splashes of rainwater so late in the night.

“At 2, I think it was really too late.”

Sitting upright, I silently slipped into my room, outside the night seemed beautiful, but inside the dark clouds still lumbered on.

The thought of going back to reading a few more pages of the novel struck me just when I drifted off to a deep sleep.

 

Confusion

Is it possible to love someone, wholeheartedly, and yet not like the person?

I mean not like his way of doing something, not like his beliefs, not like the way he simply judges other people, simply dismisses other people’s decisions.

PS: Just used the word ‘he’ randomly, it isn’t about any particular man. I am just wondering of it’s possibility. Can this happen, I mean love the person and yet not like him?

Sleepless night!

At 3 AM, I was still awake. I was kept awake, and it seemed sleep had no intention of befriending me that night. It was weird, I seldom have such sleepless nights and yet there I was staring at the ceiling of my room. I tried everything from reading to blinking my eyes continuously to try and get some sleep but the result being, still the overcrowded mind.

Twisting and turning to all the possible sleeping positions, I lost hope and sat upright. What was I to do? I had tired myself with everything and I really wanted to sleep. Sighing, I lied down again, and squished the extra pillow to my face.

After a while, the fan started to make some noise. Honestly, after 3 AM in the morning even my own footsteps would have scared me. I got up and switched off the fan. The weather was cool outside so I thought I could do without it. I was drifting off to sleep, I finally was but something kicked in to my mind, and just like that any possible chance of sleep went away.

I started to feel so warm suddenly I had to get up and switch on the air conditioner. I wouldn’t risk the fan again. But even the sound of the compressor was disturbing me now. I still left it on with a few hours timer, hoping with the cool air I would go off to sleep.

The last I saw the time was 4:30 and then suddenly I woke up with a start at 5:15. I was starting to feel cold. I put off the AC and then went off to sleep but the dear sleep de-friended me again just in few minutes time. At 5:40, I was wide awake again. I was feeling hot!

I risked the fan, and with a screech it went about giving me cool air, but I knew nothing could get me back to sleep, it was a lost hope. I opened the windows and the balcony door of my room, looking at the depressing sky, the sun was just about to come out but the clouds hided him well. The weather was cool outside, even drizzling a little bit, so I couldn’t even go out for a morning walk. And yet I felt warm and the need of fresh air. Fresh air? I was just breathing that, what else did I want? Silently, I returned to my room and slumped down on the bean bag.

To avoid boredom anymore, I put on some slow music on my phone. I had long lost hope for any proper sleep that night. I sat there, looking outside at the beautiful rain, slowly spreading across the morning making it duller and gloomy outside, hiding the faintest signs of sun.

At 6, I made myself a cup of coffee and sat there looking outside, rain water tricking down the tree leaves, falling onto the ground, creating a small puddle.