The Strength of a Flickering Candle.

She was sitting there, lost into her gloomy thoughts. The room was awfully murky, and the darkness helped her hide from the light. Tattered as she was, so were her thoughts. Her appearance was no less depressed with rugged hair, with the black dress, and with face as dull as her feelings. She clutched onto herself, at a shuffle of sound, dreading anyone’s presence. She needed no one at the moment, she knew the amount of pessimism people brought to her, and she was also conscious of her own tumultuous state. It was all plentiful.

Lying down, she shut her eyes, as if the room was not dark enough. Taking deep breathes she suddenly felt the loss of air, the need for cool air. And there it was, a sway of cool breeze through the window which had been kept open in the dark of the night.

Only then with the flicker of the light did she realise that there was a candle far away in the room, barely alight. The wind blowing now was making it harder for it to be kept lighted and she did not even wish it to be lighted. But no amount of wind could blow off the candle. It almost got burnt out and then just when it seemed that it was out, she would find that it was still alight, barely alight, but yes it did have the vigour and the desire to keep itself lighted which she knew she missed in herself.

A small candle which did not even have the needed amount of wax to light itself fought for the light that it wanted to spread in the darkness of the room, and there she was crouched at the far corner, hardly breathing, hardly wanting to live.

If the candle could put up a fight, so could she. She would reignite herself again; she would rise up and not let any sort of obscurity win over her. Not this time. She would keep her life lighted from then on. And there just when the candle burnt itself again and gave the brightest light, she knew she was born again.

And as the candle went off, she smiled brightly, welcoming the dawn, her tears long dried and a face that had the power to conquer her world. Her soul set free from the chains of the darkness.

Modern Aunts!

Ever wondered, why people are the way they are?

Why do they behave in the manner they do?

Being selfish is important in this world, I think that is very much common to here now, but how far can one go, and even when at someone else’s cost.

Telling someone off, but isn’t it necessary to peep inside your own soul first rather than criticising someone else.

*

All these questions bother my mind now because of a friend. She called me up to relieve herself from all that she had gone through in the last hour when she was with her friends and families.

“Why are you so upset?”

The answer is always an aunt in our case, an Indian aunt who is always bothered and interested in someone else’s business.

So here my friend was coolly being the host at her place, celebrating her parents’ marriage anniversary, when this modern, beautiful, charismatic, wealthy aunt comes and flaunts literally everything, from her shoes to the gifts that she brought.

Okay, I know we all must have had such aunts! I do too.

Then came the general small talks, what came next was what my friend was not prepared for.

“So when do you think your daughter should marry? I have a guy in my mind.” There is always a guy in these aunts’ mind.

“I am still studying. I am doing my post-graduation now. I want to work after this.”

“Oh no, I think post-graduation is enough. After that you have to marry.”

All this while her parents just glorying beside her.

The aunt was still not satisfied, “Even this is too much. I think parents should start finding prospective husbands for their daughters when they are about to complete their graduation. That is the exact time, I guess.”

“Yeah you guess!!! Then I hope the next year you are planning to find a perfect husband for your daughter too. Isn’t she completing her graduation then?” screaming in rage my friend forgot that she was the host.

And of course she got a big eye gaze from her parents, and the disgusted look from that aunt, but nothing else mattered. Her mood was spoilt, and so was that aunt’s. Well, post the celebration, she also got a good one from her dad, but what was she to do? Listen to other’s beliefs and commands?

Is it not on her and her parents as to how much to study, where to work, when to marry? As it is it is difficult to convince parents for education and working before marriage; don’t even let me start on post marriage scenarios. And here, these aunts!!

Like literally, how many of them are there?

And you know what that aunt replied to her parents? “No, my daughter is going to study after her graduation; I am in no hurry to marry her off. It’s her life; she’ll see what to do. She is different.”

As if my friend’s life is not hers.

What gave her the right to do so?

*

All I can say is my friend could have kept the temper and replaced it with sarcasm; apart from that I am with her. And I don’t care about speaking up to elders or disrespecting a guest if such was the case.

*

And for the record, her parents are considering their decision to ‘allow’ her to pursue her higher studies.

So cheers to these ‘modern aunts’.

Importance of “Shall”

“We shall…”

or

“Shall we..?”

What would you prefer?

As of me, I think I’d prefer the second scenario any day. Anyone asking me anything would be way better and sophisticated than someone just throwing commands at me. I now I’d agree with the person anyway, if he or she is that important to me, and yet I’d like to be asked first, no matter what!

Just think of it and you might feel it too. Or may be I care too much and listen more than needed to the said words. (It could be possible with me having a lot of time to spare now, I might be actually giving too much importance to these words spoken.)

 

 

And so they don’t like me now!

I was sitting with my cousin and my aunt in their house, munching snacks and having a relaxed time over a cup of tea. We were having a blast, my cousins who have come all the way from Gujarat are really chirpy and can make you feel instantly at home anywhere, even if they are themselves not at home, and my aunt surely enjoys their company. Whenever they come over it is like the house is full of people, despite them being only two teen girls.

One of them just went upstairs to bring something to show me and that was enough for my aunt to start on me. She definitely likes to know everything going on in my life, and I on the contrary hate telling her or any one for that matter everything going on in my life. I can tell you just the thing you know but not every petty thing. So somehow we landed on the topic of girls being educated which made her say that she wants a “Beautiful, educated wife for her son who would stay at home and look after everyone.”

I could have made 1000 jokes on this and let it go but I could not, just as I am never able to let it go. I tried to make her understand what she was asking for and yet I could pass nothing into her chained minds. For her education is important but when it comes to utilising it, girls aren’t meant to do it. I mean do these people even understand themselves what they are asking for? They want an engineer homemaker for an engineer man, a doctor for a doctor, a management student for a manager? They want a girl to spend years and years educating her, working so hard to bring her to certain level and when the time comes to marry, they want her to leave it all behind and shove her degrees in the store room.

I respect completely stay at home moms or wives who choose to not work for their families, but the respect only extends to those who CHOOSE it, it turns to pity for them and disgust for their family members just the moment I get to know that the decision was forceful.

I know this brings us to another statement put up- ‘FIGHT FOR IT’.

What do you think? Women don’t? Of course they do, but somewhere down the line, there are many boundaries, emotional or otherwise which she just can’t cross or is forced again not to cross. If a man says he understands all this, I am sorry I am not going to believe it. I think you do not understand a person’s feelings unless you have been through them.

So there I was trying to justify myself but it was very clear that I was speaking Latin to a person who understood only plain Sanskrit.

Before the discussion changed into a heated argument my cousins took over and there was no further chance to discuss anything else, but my aunt’s curt replies and behaviour made it clear that she didn’t like my presence anymore, so making some excuse to my cousins, I left bidding them good bye.

I could not stand being in the wrong. I could not help being there, feel disgusted. The fact that I was trying to explain my point, talk up to my aunt made her feel that I was in the wrong then how are we supposed to make them understand things that are beyond their understanding?

We think that we can change these people, these circumstances but I don’t think so. We will fail until we have such people (MEN AND WOMEN) in our lives.

I don’t care if she doesn’t like me, now that I have raised my voice, put forward my opinion in front of her; what I care about is I like myself. I know I didn’t change her mind, but had I just taken it all without even trying, putting a little bit of effort, I would have hated myself. I failed but at least I tried. Well, that is what I am trying to say to myself and keep calm.

Just another angry woman!!!

I am just another angry woman

Who screams and cries pressing a pillow against her mouth.

 

I am just another angry woman

Whose father abounds her in her own house,

Leaving behind no scope for dreams and aspirations.

 

I am just another angry woman

Who screams inside

While her mother can never take her side.

 

I am just another angry woman

Who screams awild

When her brother says she can’t party tonight.

 

I am just another angry woman

Who bites her lips

When her husband tries to wound her soul.

 

I am just another angry woman

Who washes and cleans

While her mother in law goes to a beauty dream.

 

I am just another angry woman

Who completes the school book

While her carefree son goes on to his father’s good books.

 

I am just another angry woman

Who vows to take her daughters side

If only I knew how it would be astride.

I am just another angry woman.

I am just another angry woman.

 

 

The breaking of iron

I am a strong independent woman,

They say, but I do have my own doubts.

You are built of iron, but does it never break?

 

You are self-sufficient,

You don’t need anyone,

But how can I be my own doppelganger?

 

You are a confident woman

They say, but I do have my reservations,

For deep down I am shattering bit by bit

The iron has been hit too hard,

It’s moulding and remoulding,

Losing all its true essence.

Drowning

i am woman in a large glass box that is slowly but steadily filling with water covering my feet my ankles my knees padlocks of my own design keep me trapped in this watery prison the opaque panels block me from view murals painted with images of my placid face doing routine things deceive the […]

via Drowning — Brave and Reckless

Were you not a girl, Mamma?

This is the first article/story I ever wrote which was published during my initial college days and hence it is very dear to me apart from various other reasons. Hope you like it too and is worth your time.

*

Ah! This is such a beautiful sight I am observing. These two girls looking so happy with each other, hand in hand going round in the rose garden, playing with each other totally lost in their enjoyment and devoid of any troubles as it seems.

I feel so happy to see this, to adore such a lovely sight, to imagine that, someday I’ll be there with one of my close friends or my sister or my brother. By the way will I have any brother or sister mamma? Or do I have any who is waiting for me expectantly?

Someday I’ll be there enjoying this austere and beautiful garden of roses where I am planning to play, it’s marvellous appearance and its capturing smell is so, so strong that I wish to be there now. But I think that it’s not good for me at present. For the time I should be here, quiet, and safe inside your womb, mamma. It is too early for me to come out, right?

I desperately wish to see you mamma. I want to see my family, my house where I will be. I want to see this life which everyone wishes to. Though I have heard a lot about the sufferings of the life, I earnestly wish to live it, experience it, and to test my capabilities of experiencing it. I want to have friend’s mamma, I want to have a family. No not one I’ll have two families like you mamma. Someday I’ll also have a husband like you have as my father and after some more days I may also be a mother like you. It seems so interesting but for now this thought is quite early, very early in fact. There are too many years but yet to pass.

I want to study mamma I want to gain knowledge and under your guidance I will hopefully have a good idea of art too. You’ll teach me no mamma?

I feel so obliged to be gifted a life. I feel so special warmth inside me when you touch your womb and with a sensation of care and delight you say “it is so special a feeling my child to have you inside me and it fills me with so much of happiness when I imagine you to call me a mother” I want you to be my friend, philosopher and guide. I want you to guide me throughout my life mamma! I hope you will, I know you will. You are so kind dear!!

But for now may I please request you to go home mamma? The garden is becoming so cold and it is getting very dark too. Please, let us go towards home mamma I am feeling so cold and you must also be feeling so? You must take care of yourself mamma or else granny will scold you! By the way how is granny mamma?

Thank you for proceeding towards home mamma. You are so kind! You are so caring! I love you mamma. I know you will take care of me so tenderly when I come to you, Just as this girl wearing a white dress is looking after you in this ‘WHITE CABIN’ but where are we mamma? This is probably not our house. It is totally white. People here are totally in white. And why are they making you sleep in such a small bed? You need to be comfortable you won’t be at any ease here. You will suffer here, you will be uncomfortable here. Please listen to me or else I’ll complain to granny and she’ll definitely scold you.

See you are already restless! Get up mamma, get up! It is already hurting you.

But now it is hurting me too. What is this mamma? What is happening? What are they doing to you? Why are you crying?

They are hurting me mamma. They are hurting me. It is so painful. Complain! I pray you to complain to them. You are so cruel mamma. I do not want to go mamma. I want to live. I want to see this life.

God!

Forbid…

Stop! Have pity on me.

I want to live mamma. I want to live. I want to come out of you. Why are you hurting me and yourself?

Oh! God! Look! Please!

They are cutting me, my legs, hands, they were so very small. They are thrashing it, smashing it. They are cutting me into pieces mamma. Ah! It’s no more hurting me mamma, it’s paining now. And I am speechless of your act and breathless because of this pain. You have killed me mamma. You have killed me. How could you do this mamma? How could you?

Just because I was a girl you killed me? Is being girl a sin? What did I do or what I would have done to trouble anyone? Why did you not allow me to enter the world? But if this world is such, where people kill their own blood I am lucky enough to not be there with you all.

My life annihilates just within three months but at least it was a peaceful one, not like yours comprising a sin. A sin, to kill an innocent!

I would merely ask you a question mamma I was a girl and you killed me. But were you not a girl mamma? Had you been in my place how would have you felt?

And here I die without making any difference to anyone.

Are girls so useless mamma?

The difference

Last day of school? Surely, it is special for everyone. But can there be biasness in this too between a girl and a boy?

I hadn’t known this until yesterday.

My brother celebrated his last day of high school yesterday and he came back home with colours all over his face and well wishes marked all over his shirt, kind of made me remind my last day at school. It always brings a smile on my face.

So, the point is when we are looking at his shirt we were sure pulling his leg at the remarks made my girls and he was blushing at all our jokes. It was kind of funny. But all I could think of was my last day school. When I had come home printed all over my parents hadn’t said a word about it, in fact they sure did not seem to have liked the comments written by the boys. They have never disapproved of my guy friends but never even willingly approved of them too. They never said it but their expressions sure did.

I am not saying that my parents have ever made differences between me and my brother but these small things matter to me. I am not sure if they should but they do. My parents are real nice and I love them, and also I am not complaining but somehow these things always tick my mind, my heart.